Iceberg, right ahead

So I wish I could say this idea was original, but to tell the truth I am watching "If You Really Knew Me" on MTV and they just brought up something very interesting- how an iceberg is 90% underwater and you can only see about 10% of it above the surface- just like people... How we don't show our whole selves to most people, so we put forth an image of ourselves in that 10% we allow others to see.

This, for me, is absolutely true. The more I open up about my virginity and my life choices, the more I realize how much of that I tend to hide. A handful of close friends know about it, but most of the people that know me would be shocked to learn these things about me, yet I like to think these are the things that really define my character. So why the big divide?

I will tell you why- I care too much about what people think. I always have, and I despise that I care. I remember being really little and knowing what others said or thought about me, and I took it personally. I have never really been able to disregard those negative people and just focus on who I really am. I wish I could. I wish I could blog about this as myself- first, middle, and last name. PROUDLY telling you who I am and why I make the choices I do. But, I am not there yet. It is safer this way- to keep these things close to my heart and not let others know all my personal things because then they can't judge me....

I want to change this, and be able to stand up and shout from the rooftops who I am. But I think a big part of me is waiting for someone to come along and validate me. I want someone to appreciate me for who I am and make me feel like what I am doing is worth while. THEN I will be able to tell everyone. Its so backwards, and I know it. I guess I need to take a step back and reevaluate my motivations and my goals so that I can start to expose the 90% of me I hide. It gets really tiring to keep that part in the dark, so I would like to be the whole me- first, middle, and last name.