So I am re-reading "Eclipse" and part of the story jumped out at me. In the book, Edward refuses to sleep with Bella before they get married because he wants to protect her virtue... what a concept- that a guy would care so deeply he would deny his physical urges (and Bella's advances) to do the "right" thing.
This is exactly what I want- a man that loves me so completely that he would protect my virtue, even if that meant denying us both some physical urges. Right now, all the guys that are interested in me want the one thing they most certainly cannot have: sex. I get that I'm 28 and probably one of the last eleven virgins my age left on earth, but thats just too bad. And since I don't have a 109 year old sparkly vampire that is willing to FIGHT to protect my virtue, then I will have to do it myself! It just gets really old always fighting my battles alone- I'm ready for someone to stand beside me and fight too!
But since I am a complicated being, I would still want my man to be tempted by the thought of physical love with me- see me as a threat to my own virtue, but he would stand strong in his resolve to preserve it regardless. I do want my cake and I wanna eat it too, and after 28 years, I say I deserve it!
Kissing is good though. Ideally here is what happens: I meet boy, we have an instant connection and get to know each other well. Then, when the time is right, boy kisses me. The most amazing kiss ever- like no one has ever kissed anyone else before! But thats where it stops. A kiss is just a kiss and doesn't have to lead to more explicit acts. We then spend more time getting to know one another, and kissing. An actual courtship, not a bootycall. Even during those inevitable moments of human weakness, his goal is always to do right by me- even in spite of me. Then comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.
We'd put those storybook lovers to shame...
This is all a pre-requisite to an eternal commitment. We have the rest of eternity to be physically joined, so I think it must start on an emotional level and build up to the physical act. Ultimately, when that time comes, we will each be so in tune with one another that our only goal will be to please the other. Not about yourself and your physical needs, but through seeking out what your lover needs, you will find fulfillment in their joy. Its really a selfless act when done with the right reasons and expectations. And although sexual desires and wishes are normal, they are best served by the one person that wants to spend eternity with only you, learning your deepest desires and making it their personal mission to exceed those expectations.
In this selflessness, there is trust. And in this trust there is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of intimacy.
This is why I am waiting. I have to believe this can happen- more importantly, that it can happen to ME. Looking at the world and seeing the faces of the ones who never believed THEIR virtue was worth protecting re-affirms it to my core. I will not be another needy little girl who is willing to give away the most private part of herself to someone who would never return the favor.
Becoming one with a man is something I will only ever experience with one man- my man, my husband. I refuse to stand before him on our wedding day and feel shame. I will proudly wear my white dress- and all that implies. To give myself, pure and innocent, to him will be the most amazing gift I could ever give. It shows that even before his name was ever on my lips, my heart and body were his. There is no greater sacrifice for him, but I will gladly endure.
Conversely, I find it degrading and often humiliating how some men can be so self-serving and can flaunt their lust proudly. Lust has always been difficult for me- we all have had our lustful moments, I believe that makes us human. But I do not want a man to look at me and think only of the physical things he wants. When its purely this sort of contemplation, he is not giving me any consideration or credit for the rest of my being. There is so much more to me than my body. Plus, his sexual motivation is purely selfish. This kind of interaction would leave me feeling dirty and used, cheap and replaceable. However, if a man- my husband- knew me beyond the physical realm and all the way into my soul, if he wanted me physically, that is flattering. The difference between the two scenarios is the exact divide between love and lust. Love is selfless and patient, it can look at the big picture and do what is right and those who choose to live in such a manner will be rewarded. Lust wants instant gratification, even at the expense of hurting others.
I will gladly wait for my husband, but I pray he steps on the gas! The more men that come into my life and want me in such an un-loving way, the harder time I have believing there is anyone out there who could truly love me in the way I want and need.
Yes, a large amount of motivation regarding this is based on my religious beliefs and expectations, but almost more powerful is my own conviction. This path is, by and large, unmistakably the only option for me. Any other way and I would not be happy with myself.
Also, when I reflect back on my past experiences, either romantic or not, I can see the way each man in my past has had some influence on my current psyche- some good, some bad. Those previous encounters have broken me down to a point where I am not sure if I could ever be the selfless counterpart I describe. Not because I might be sexually selfish, but rather because my emotional scars would prohibit me from giving myself wholly and completely to that person. It angers me to know that I may need extra attention and time from him to learn to trust- even though he never betrayed me. Its a defense mechanism for me- to fear men and assume they aren't truthful to me and don't really care about me, because thats all I have ever known. I have been my own protector for far too long and its made me jaded. I honestly can't even imagine what it might feel like to have a man place me and my needs above his own. Based on where I am at in life, this concept is laughable. As much as I want and pray for my husband, there is a constant opposition in my head that heckles me whenever I dare think anything hopeful. I am trying to evict that voice but am having a hard time winning that battle. I know its counter-productive to think this way, but there is only so much hope I can convince myself to swallow before its all in vain.
In my opinion, all of this tragic self-hate began with the one man who's God-given right was to protect and love me. My dad. But he didn't do any of those things- in fact, he did the opposite! He lives his life selfishly and does not possess the ability to want to change and break away from that cycle. He taught me that men lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and make others suffer for his mistakes. To this day, he is the single most self-serving person I have ever known. To make it worse, he is now also self-righteous. Its unbelievable. I don't even like writing about him because he isn't worth the ink in my pen or the breath in my lungs.
There is a part of me that wants to find the perfect husband just to prove to everyone that I deserve it. The problem with this is that as soon as I begin to consider such a perfect situation, that heckler in my head shows up and starts reminding me how stupid and foolish that sounds, and how it will never happen. This proves my dad has never been able to tear his eyes away from himself long enough to do what he was supposed to be doing (protecting and loving me.) He still can't find the ability to think of anyone other than himself, so if he never loved and protected me, why would some "Mr. Right" step up and CHOOSE to to do it? Clearly I am flawed and undesirable as has been proven to me time and time again as each man did choose. They all chose to walk away. And I don't want to wait in vain for some knight in shinning armor that may never arrive. (Or a vampire in a shiny Volvo. Either way...) Its easier to live life as a cynic and not seem life a foolish daydreamer, thinking all day of someone who will never come.
One of the saddest things about it all is that no one may ever know all that I have to offer. If never given the chance, how am I supposed to prove I can live up to my own expectations? Furthermore, I am ready, willing, and able to make him- my husband- the single happiest man on earth. I have lived alone and miserable for far too long now, and so I vow to never take his love for granted. I can come back to this place, this blog and be reminded of all the trials I faced to find him. How horrible it felt when I knew that no one cared enough for me to give me the time of day. I am not perfect, but I try and I do take the time to be grateful for where I was, where I am, and where I am going. I want the chance to be the wife/lover/mother I know I can be. So I will continue to pray for him to find himself on my path in the near future. If I wait too much longer, I may combust.
I will end it today by reflecting on all the men I have cared for in my life, both good and bad, and wonder in my selfishness if someday I will be reading this entry with my husband so he knows where I am coming from..... maybe?
