I'll never be the same

I wrote this about how I am feeling about love life and such right now. I hope it makes some sort of sense...

The air is getting colder

the blood in my veins, thick

Your words echo in my mind

my stomach turns sick

You showed your true colors

Every shade of black

All the love I gave to you

I can never get back

I'll never be whole again

You broke me down

and took pieces of me

I gave and I gave

But you never thought twice

I'll never be the same

What kind of coward are you?

Are you proud?

I thought you'd be different

Now I hear the truth loud

Trust is almost impossible cuz

I always see you

Even in the face of another

who would to me be true

The time spent with you

doesn't compare

To the years of recovery

I still must fare

There is no pill, shot syrup

or recipe

That could ever cure

what you've done to me

I know that I don't deserve it

But how could that be true?

When I got hurt by, of all people

YOU

You said you'd never leave,

you left

Said you were truthful,

you lied

Swore your love could never end,

its over

Promised to never hurt me

But everyday I've cried

I'll never be the same

I am working on it...

So yesterday I had an odd conversation via text with a guy from my past. I used to live in another state, and knew him at that time. I was 20-21 and kind of wild, just wanted to have fun all the time. I wasn't serious about anything- work, school, future... I eventually moved back home, but that time in my life was where I did a lot of learning about myself.

Anyway, same guy (lets call him "Dude") now lives a few hours from me since he moved for his job. He started chatting with me on facebook, and has been relentlessly flirting with me. He wants me to come visit him, or to come visit me, but I have been trying to tiptoe around the subject in an effort to be passive aggressive. Well, I lost that battle because I ended up scheduling an appointment in the very city he lives in. And guess who needs a ride from the airport? Yep, that's me. So, I had to tell him about it and he is super excited.

Skip to yesterday, and I get a text from Dude. He was visiting the place we both used to live and he said our old friends reminded him a few things about me.... Clearly I was curious, so I asked what he meant. The following is our texting convo, word for word...

Dude: I know that you were a virgin....

Me: Yep

Dude: R u still?

Me: Yes, I am. I decided long ago I'd wait til I'm married. It's hard, but will be worth it.

Dude: I can imagine. R u Christian?

Me: Yes, absolutely.

Dude: Do u attend church and stuff?

Me: Yes, I'm actually struggling to find a church that's the right fit for me, but I'm trying!

Dude: Me too.

Then we got off subject and the last thing he said about the whole situation:

Dude: No ur not weird or strange it's admirable you have resisted for this long.

So, as awkward as that convo was, I am glad its over. I don't want to feel like I have this weird secret that I don't know how to tell people. Plus, he has been talking to me a lot and I know its mostly lust, and I HATE that. He doesn't know me anymore, all he knows is from facebook, where I have a lot of pics. And its not like we have these deep, introspective talks or something that might give him insight into me. I am so conflicted. I avoid these kinds of situations like the plague, but I want to be secure with myself and be strong enough to stand up and deal with them, not run away like a coward.

For now, I am going to play it by ear, will keep you posted on the situation. This just gives me a giant kick in the pants to work on ME and get over my fear of people knowing about me and my choice to be a virgin. I don't want to feel ashamed and hide anymore. I want to tell the world I am proud of myself. I am working on it...